Scream, shout, rip that mother out

Santina said one of the funniest things she has ever said to me just before. She asked, "Nick, do you think there are any cultures that lay down to take a shit?"

On Friday morning I woke up at about 9am and got the tram to Central Station, then I got the train to Schiphol Airport. I arrived at 10am. I was of the understanding that Pat and Matt were flying in from London on a British Airways flight that was to arrive at 10am. Unfortunately I'm an ignorant asshole who doesn't read emails properly. The shitty thing is, I wish I could be mad at them, but they gave me the correct flight number and time, I just had my head in my ass and didn't read the message from them... Ugh. I hate myself.

Turns out the guys were arriving on a British Airways flight at 11.25am. In the time I had to kill waiting for a flight that I wasn't sure was ever going to arrive I saw a trashy newspaper with the headline "A DAD AT 13" with a cover shot of a kid who looked no older than 11 cradling his new born son. I wish I'd have taken a photo of that shit, it was hilarious. I watched hundreds of people unload through the arrival gate from four different British Airways flights over the space of an hour and a half. By the time the guys got out I was ready to storm through the customs hall and grab the first two Australians I could find and get the fuck out of there.

Matt, Pat and obnoxious French child

Matt & Pat on the train

We get the train back to Gijs' and Santina's place and on the way, we talk a heap of shit and the guys fill me in about their holidays so far in Barcelona and London. Highlights included something about a dude named "K-hole Matty" who organised for the boys to each pay forty pounds to go to a rave and score a shit tonne of MDMA... Understandably they declined. Matt has a great photo of that guy resting his sandwich on his head while he rolls a cigarette. Genius. Also, both Matt and Pat were pretty haggard because they'd been up all night at a pub where Matt's ex-girlfriend works. Turns out Mastodon were staying in a hotel across the road, and dudes were getting wild until stupid o'clock. I guess dudes with face tattoos know how to party!

To deviate from the story briefly, early that morning I watched the garbage truck drive around the residential streets near Gijs and Santina's place, collecting the trash... Sounds boring huh? Sounds like another Nick Lucas story... WRONG MOTHERFUCKER! Look at these photos. There is a city of fucking trash under this city! The Lost City of Trashlantis! What looks like a simple bin on the side of the road in fact has a container underneath it big enough to drop a car into. Not even a Ford Laser. More like a fucking Jeep Grand Cherokee or something. Amazing. There is a giant magnet hanging from a crane which pulls the whole box out of the trash cave, and dumps it into the back of the truck! Small things I guess... That I was excited by this feat of civil engineering is a window into my mind. I'll endeavour to take some better photos on next week's rubbish day.

Amazing

So Matt and Pat, in Amsterdam.

Day one! We hang out for a bit, go and get some free coffee from Santina. She works in a coffee shop called The Coffee Company which is kind of like Starbucks but with good coffee and less assholes. It snows briefly. We buy some cheap German beers from the poor man's supermarket LIDL, where Matt gets hassled by a homeless guy who parrots everything after Matt says it. We come home and cook some pasta, watch a Kevin Smith spoken word DVD and then go to De Zotte.

Koala sausages

Pepsi bullet

De Zotte is a Belgian beer bar where one of Gijs' friends named Joep works. You might have heard me tell a story about a Belgian beer called Brigand which is 10%, and how I drank six of them when you really should stop after two, and I couldn't talk and almost shit my pants... If not, then you've missed out on a great story about a night which lead to one of my top three hangovers. Anyway, De Zotte is a cosy little non-tourist bar where a group of Gijs' mates go each Friday night to drink beers and be all Dutch and shit. We hang for a few hours and switch beers after a couple of Brigands.

De Zotte Bar

Neils!

A few of us go to the Paradiso to watch a band from Brooklyn called Gang Gang Dance. My friend Neils here vouches for them and so we each pay our €11. If only you could test drive a live show of a band you've never heard. Like you get to watch the first song from the stairs and if you don't like it, you can fuck off and get your €11 back. Alas, not the case. The band is complete horse shit. Just because you've got a girl singer and a dude with more keyboards than the bald asshole from the Letterman Show doesn't mean you are as good as The Knife or Portishead. The band had potential, and Neils assures us that the first album was great but the new stuff they're playing live is lacking. Pity.

Condom vending machine..."Don't open this vending machine by force. It's pointless." Smug fucking Dutch

Day two! Late wake up, subtle hangovers, free coffee and Internet from Santina, I book flights to and from London to stay for a week, we walk to the Anne Frank House and the queue is really big. (I could be uncouth here and say that the line of people looked as long as people waiting to get on a train for a ride to a special camp in Germany...uncouth though, so I won't). We decide to postpone the Anne Frank experience until Monday and instead walk to the Museum Square. We hit up the Rijksmuseum which although is partly out of order due to refurbishments, is still a pretty interesting few rooms. The Van Gough Museum has another one of those 1940s style line ups, so we skip that and Matt goes ice skating while Pat and I take photos of him, laugh as a child kicks his mother with his skate blade after she has fallen onto the ice, and wonder who the guy taking photos of kids next to us is actually related to... Hhmmmm.....

Matt on ice

Matt had a blast

It means "You Can..."

This guy thought it would be a good idea to stand in our photo, and smile at my camera. Asshole.

Home time for a brief sit down and some quick duty free Jack Daniels, then it is off to Maoz (felafel joint) for dinner, and onto the Melkweg (Pointless fact #217: Melkweg is Dutch for Milky Way) to watch Rise Against and Strike Anywhere play. Matt, Pat, Santina and I get pretty drank. Mum and a few of my aunties read this blog, so this is edited version of our night.

Dat three! It is Sunday and I have a pretty gnarly hangover. We get bagels and coffee for breakfast/lunch, Gijs bought another Kevin Smith DVD so we stay in and watch that tonight. We get fast food Mexican for dinner from a place called Taco Mundo up the road. Complete horse shit. Never again. We were going to do one of the touristy things tonight and go watch a live sex show, but everyone is too tired so we might hit that up tomorrow night.

Bagels and Beans - Every Sunday

Day four! Monday...Anne Frank House. I've visited it before but it is still really interesting. Pat and Matt thought the Frank family and co. were hiding in a box under the floor boards and not in an actual house...
We went for a walk through the red light district. Always amusing. There is a kindergarden next to some ladies in some windows... oh you crazy Dutch.

Matt, Pat & Gijs on a canal

Niiiiiiiiiice

Pigeons in this country are fucking huge