A tattoo isn't just for Christmas

For the past few months I have been working weekends on the desk at Wild At Heart Tattoo. It has been a fucking blast – hanging and talking shit with two of my good mates Stevie and Wade who tattoo there. Pretty simple job for me – clean up the shop in the morning, keep the guys’ work areas fresh, book people in for tattoos and get quotes off the guys for tattoos that people want done…

This is the most enjoyable part of the job. Seeing what unbelievably shitty tattoos people want to get. The following Top Five encapsulates the boring, the weird, the disgusting and the fucked up things that some strange people want tattooed on their skin.

I only wish I had have taken my camera to work with me every weekend. A picture would probably tell the story better than I can. Alas, enjoy the following and be thankful none of us are as shit as these people.


1. FUCK THE POLIEE

Homeboy walks in with his little trophy girlfriend hanging off his arm. He was about 6"4 with snap pants, oversized white singlet, huge gold chain with a dragon hanging off the end of it. Refelcto sunglasses and the gnarliest skullet I have ever seen. Completely shaved on top, with long black hair from the back past his shoulders. Jesus.

Dude asks me if we do touch-ups and I know straight away that his tattoo is going to be a disgusting prison looking piece of shit. He lifts up his singlet to expose one of the best tattoos I have ever seen. Across his stomach in two lines are the words...

FUCK THE
POLICE

Unfortunately for him, whichever one of his deadshit mates did it put what appeared to be a line coming from the centre of the C which made it look like an E.
Ronnie tattooed him (I think because neither Stevie or Wade wanted anything to do with the fuck-up) and he cringed and squirmed like a child dressed in gangsters clothing.


2. PEACE SIGN WITH SYMBOL FOR WOMAN AND SYMBOL FOR MAN

One quiet afternoon while I was sat at the desk, minding my own business and reading a book, a dude in his mid thirties walks in and saddles straight up to the front of the desk. I look up from my novel and am immediately disgusted. What looks like an upright and fully grown gollum is stood in front of me, clutching a bag from Priceline and grinning like a rapist with yellow teeth.
He leant in and placed his hands (longest fingernails on a dude I have ever seen) on the counter, and the following conversation took place; (Next time you see me get me to do an impression of this guy...he kind of hissed his words like a pedophile snake. Also, he stank like a thousand cigarettes...that is why his name is in this colour!)

Fingernail rapist: "Good afternoon young man, how arrrrre you today?"
Me: "Ummm............fine thanks. Can I help you?"
Fingernail rapist: "Mmmm..... I want to get a tattooooo..... Do you have a piece of paper I can draw what I want on...."
Me: "Ugh, yeh, here."
Fingernail rapist: "Do you have a pencillll......?"
Me: "Ergh, here."
Fingernail rapist: (Starts drawing with shakier hands than my own) "Mmm... Do you know the peace sign? Mmmm.... Of course you do..."
(Draws the peace sign, then looks up at me with a smile and nods)
Me: ".....OK."
Fingernail rapist: "Mmmm... That is the peace sign. Do you like it?"
Me: "Ummmm...." (I look over to Stevie but he is too busy tattooing to notice what is happening)
Fingernail rapist: "Do you know the symbol for woman? Mmmm you know, the circle with the cross coming off ittttt.......?"
Me: "Yeh.... I know it."
Fingernail rapist: "Mmmm well I want the peace sign like this, with the symbol for woman coming off it.... But I also want the symbol for man coming off it as well.... Do you know what I mean?"
Me: *speechless*
Fingernail rapist: "Well this is what I want... What do you think about this? Where should I get it? I was thinking on my stomach, just here..." (Lifts up t-shirt and shows me his stomach)
Me: "The guys are booked out until February. You're going to have to go to another shop."

I was walking to the shop about two weeks later from my flat and I spotted the scumbag up ahead of me on the footpath rolling a cigarette. I had my headphones in and tried to walk looking straight ahead, but he managed to block my path and stood in front of me signalling for me to take out the headphones...
Reluctantly I did, and the following conversation took place;

Fingernail rapist: "Ooohhhh HI! Do you remember me?"
Me: "No."
Fingernail rapist: "Ohhhh but I came into your shop and asked you about a tattoo..."
Me: "Yeh? Well a lot of people come into that shop."
Fingernail rapist: "Oooh well I might come in again to see you..."
Me: *speechless*

I then walked to Coles, did my shopping, walked home and checked over my shoulder every few seconds to make sure my new friend hadn't followed me. He was a truly disgusting dude.


3. SOUTHERN CROSS WITH RAINBOW

Anyone reading this who has a Southern Cross tattoo... Sorry, but it is shit. Other than tribal and lower back tattoos on pub-sluts, Southern Crosses are the pits.

You're from Australia and you're proud? That is awesome! I've got to tell you though, there are better ways to display your nationalism.

You're a young backpacker trekking around Australia? Terrific! Don't get a tattoo of the Southern Cross. Get a tattoo of map of Australia with a little X marked on every spot you got laid. Get a comdey kangaroo stealing a baby. Get a shark eating a dingo. Get someone committing suicide off the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Get anything but a Southern Cross.
The best spin on this shitty tattoo that I experienced while working at the shop was from an American girl who phoned up and asked the following; "Can I get a Southerns Cross (yes, she called it a Southerns Cross) on the bottom of my back, but I want each star to be a different colour of the rainbow!"

I laughed and hung up on her. Idiot.


4. MERMAID IN A WHEELCHAIR

Dude walks into the shop and tells me Stevie is tattooing him tomorrow and that he had to drop in the picture. I unfold the piece of paper, and staring sadly back at me is a young mermaid with exposed flacid breasts, sat in a wheelchair with an IV drip stand next to her and a blanket covering the top of her tail/flipper. I lose my shit.

This is one of the best, yet one of the worst tattoos I have ever seen. The dude tells me he drew it and is super pumped to be getting it tattooed on the top of his forearm. I walk out to the baclony where Stevie is having a cigarette and show him the picture. I can't fully describe the number of emotions he exhibited when he saw the picture.
Stevie comes in and asks the guy why he wants such a ridiculous picture tattooed on his forearm. Dude says that he used to think people in wheel chairs were mermaids and that is why they couldn't walk and why they would have blankets over their laps...to hide their flipper/tail. Brilliant.


5. JAH WARRIOR

This is one of my favourites. Simple but hilarious and kind of unbelievable. Regular dude walks in to the shop. Beyond regular, in fact dude has a bit of a geek thing going on. He comes up to the counter really quietly and pulls his mobile out of his pocket... Plays around with it for a second and then looks up at me and says;

"Hi. I'd like someone to tattoo this on my arm please. Just as it is there. Exactly as it is."

He flips his phone around and shows me a picture on the screen. In a font that was somehow more boring than Times New Roman, there are the words; JAH WARRIOR.

The man standing in front of me waiting expectantly for a quote on a tattoo is the furthest removed person from who I would invisage a Jah Warrior to be. I would expect a gruff, heavy-set black man with solid dread locks, wearing some type of typical Rastafarian get up, packing a shiv and a bag of weed.

I generally won't bother showing the guys ridiculous tattoo requests when they are busy, but I can't resist the urge to see Stevie's reaction. Needless to say, he laughed like a drunk cat, and I returned the phone to Jah Warrior.

If only i'd had my camera to take photos of these and the other assholes who kept me entertained for a few months.

Ummm....

Diplo never sounded so good.

Mug Mug Mug!!!

I worked what might be my final shift at Wild At Heart today. Working in a tattoo shop has been one of the best ways to spend my weekends for the last few months. So many retarded people out there. I'm going to do a top 5 worst tattoo requests list tomorrow when I'm not so tired. I'm going to miss working in that shop.

Scrad and I got up at stupid o'clock this morning to go and get Descendents tattoos before I started work. I was still drunk/extremely hungover and almost greened out while Wade was blitzing my leg.


Will all my grown up friends say, they've seen it all before.
They say hey act your age, and I'm immature.

I think I'm destined to never see The Big Lebowski in its entirety ever. Blockbuster are dropping the ball on the one service they're supposed to provide. Renting out DVDs for me to watch on my television. I don't want to get part way through a movie and have it stop working. Sort it out Blockbuster. I need to know more about The Dude.

I can't wait for LOST Season 5. Fuck the haters, this show is brilliant. I watched most of Season 4 again this week on the days I had off sick from work. So good. Look at the promo of the main characters for Season 5. Only a month until it starts. YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!



I'm about to have some night time cold and flu tablets and peace the fuck out. Yahtzee.

I'm cooler than a polar bear's toes

I received an exciting phone call yesterday afternoon from mum when she got home from work. My passport and Visa package had arrived - I had it sent to mum and dad's place because our letterbox is on the main road and I don't really trust having my passport and birth certificate etc sent hurrr.

So she opens it up while on the phone to me and crushes my high spirits by telling me the Visa is only stamped for three months... I was pretty bummed and worried that I would have to send it back to Canberra or that I had been denied completely. So I phoned the Netherlands Consulate this morning and had a chat to homegirl for a few minutes. She explained that the Visa in my passport is merely an entry Visa and that once I arrive I have to go to town hall or the local council and receive my 12 month Visa.

YAHTZEE!

Safe with the knowledge that everything had been approved and I would be granted entry and allowed to work, I jumped a bus to STA travel to see babe who had been sorting out all my arrangements and itinerary details.

20 minutes and $XXXX later, I jumped a bus home with the following booked in:

Friday 06-Feb-09
Singapore Airlines - Flight: SQ0256
Departs Brisbane International: 09:30
Arrives Singapore Changi: 15:15

Friday 06-Feb-09
Singapore Airlines - Flight: SQ0324
Departs Singapore Changi: 23:50
Arrives Amsterdam: 06:35 (Saturday 07-Feb-09)

I looked up Singapore Changi Airport today and it is pretty much like Disney Land. There are three cinemas, a swimming pool with complimentary towel, shower and non-alcoholic beverage upon arrival. The airport hosts the first butterfly enclosure in an airport anywhere in the world. There are 4 other huge garden areas, a plethora of fine dining choices as well as the usual duty free international airport garb. Super stoked though - I'm going to soak like a fiend in that pool for 7 hours.

So that is that. I'm going to kick Europe in the face from the 7th of February.

Here are a couple of photos of me hitting golf balls at the driving range on Wednesday night. Jackson's dad John was in town for the week so we went to smack the shit out of some balls with Matt, Nathan and Ryan. Nathan has one of the most aggressive and unpredictable back swings I have ever seen. He hit the ball so hard that the end of his driver broke off and went almost as far as the ball.

The strongest man alive.


My dad taught me well.


Whoa...

In other news, I didn't go to work today because I woke up and felt like I had cracked a rib or something. Definitely fucked myself up more than I thought I did last Sunday at the rock pools. My arm is still purple like a grape, but now I have a cold and everytime I cough I double over and it feels like something in my chest is broken.

Also, what the fuck is up with this heat. Disgusting. Uncomfortable. Humid.

Too much whinging. Not enough partying.

Scrad and I are getting DESCENDENTS tattoos on Sunday. Super stoked.

Balloons and Bruises and Beats

My housemate Jackson graduated a psych degree yesterday so I bought some balloons while I was at the shop buying a family size vege and tofu pie.

I wrote some shit on them and pegged them to our clothes horse.

Jackson is the smartest man alive. Though I did beat him at Scrabble yesterday with my best score ever... 346 to 220. I am the strongest man alive.

Other than that, on Sunday afternoon two car loads of us went up past Samford to some rock pools for a swim and a bit of a rock jump.

After getting blasted by Joel and Helmet for being a pussy, I finally jumped off the biggest motherfucker there... I'm not good at estimating heights etc, but it was gnarly. I got the leg wobbles it was so high.

So I jumped it and jumped it again and then again - shit was awesome.
Unfortunately on my third jump from the motherload, I kept my arms out to the sides making my body into a T shape...

Arms smashed into the water...
My ass smashed into the water...

Here is a photo of my arm. No photo of ass. It feels a lot worse than it looks and the light in this photo isn't the best...but that shit is purple and sore as fuck.
(Tattoo girl looks like she has copped a beating)

One last thing - I found this on a music blog yesterday - it is awesome. Joel thinks the name sounds "really gay", but I can assure you it is awesome. Download it right hurrrr...

Kid Cudi - A Kid Named Cudi

http://10deep.com/KIDCUDIMIXTAPE/

Countdown to oblivion

In 50 days I will be leaving Brisbane to live in Amsterdam for one year.
I thought I'd start this blog because no one really reads myspace bulletins or blogs, and there are too many assholes from my school that I don't like on facebook.

I will endeavor to keep this page updated with exciting/mundane news of my travels and my everyday life while I am raging through the next year.

So I guess i'll leave it at that for the moment.

50 days until departure. Maximum Brisbane party from now until then.