A tattoo isn't just for Christmas

For the past few months I have been working weekends on the desk at Wild At Heart Tattoo. It has been a fucking blast – hanging and talking shit with two of my good mates Stevie and Wade who tattoo there. Pretty simple job for me – clean up the shop in the morning, keep the guys’ work areas fresh, book people in for tattoos and get quotes off the guys for tattoos that people want done…

This is the most enjoyable part of the job. Seeing what unbelievably shitty tattoos people want to get. The following Top Five encapsulates the boring, the weird, the disgusting and the fucked up things that some strange people want tattooed on their skin.

I only wish I had have taken my camera to work with me every weekend. A picture would probably tell the story better than I can. Alas, enjoy the following and be thankful none of us are as shit as these people.


1. FUCK THE POLIEE

Homeboy walks in with his little trophy girlfriend hanging off his arm. He was about 6"4 with snap pants, oversized white singlet, huge gold chain with a dragon hanging off the end of it. Refelcto sunglasses and the gnarliest skullet I have ever seen. Completely shaved on top, with long black hair from the back past his shoulders. Jesus.

Dude asks me if we do touch-ups and I know straight away that his tattoo is going to be a disgusting prison looking piece of shit. He lifts up his singlet to expose one of the best tattoos I have ever seen. Across his stomach in two lines are the words...

FUCK THE
POLICE

Unfortunately for him, whichever one of his deadshit mates did it put what appeared to be a line coming from the centre of the C which made it look like an E.
Ronnie tattooed him (I think because neither Stevie or Wade wanted anything to do with the fuck-up) and he cringed and squirmed like a child dressed in gangsters clothing.


2. PEACE SIGN WITH SYMBOL FOR WOMAN AND SYMBOL FOR MAN

One quiet afternoon while I was sat at the desk, minding my own business and reading a book, a dude in his mid thirties walks in and saddles straight up to the front of the desk. I look up from my novel and am immediately disgusted. What looks like an upright and fully grown gollum is stood in front of me, clutching a bag from Priceline and grinning like a rapist with yellow teeth.
He leant in and placed his hands (longest fingernails on a dude I have ever seen) on the counter, and the following conversation took place; (Next time you see me get me to do an impression of this guy...he kind of hissed his words like a pedophile snake. Also, he stank like a thousand cigarettes...that is why his name is in this colour!)

Fingernail rapist: "Good afternoon young man, how arrrrre you today?"
Me: "Ummm............fine thanks. Can I help you?"
Fingernail rapist: "Mmmm..... I want to get a tattooooo..... Do you have a piece of paper I can draw what I want on...."
Me: "Ugh, yeh, here."
Fingernail rapist: "Do you have a pencillll......?"
Me: "Ergh, here."
Fingernail rapist: (Starts drawing with shakier hands than my own) "Mmm... Do you know the peace sign? Mmmm.... Of course you do..."
(Draws the peace sign, then looks up at me with a smile and nods)
Me: ".....OK."
Fingernail rapist: "Mmmm... That is the peace sign. Do you like it?"
Me: "Ummmm...." (I look over to Stevie but he is too busy tattooing to notice what is happening)
Fingernail rapist: "Do you know the symbol for woman? Mmmm you know, the circle with the cross coming off ittttt.......?"
Me: "Yeh.... I know it."
Fingernail rapist: "Mmmm well I want the peace sign like this, with the symbol for woman coming off it.... But I also want the symbol for man coming off it as well.... Do you know what I mean?"
Me: *speechless*
Fingernail rapist: "Well this is what I want... What do you think about this? Where should I get it? I was thinking on my stomach, just here..." (Lifts up t-shirt and shows me his stomach)
Me: "The guys are booked out until February. You're going to have to go to another shop."

I was walking to the shop about two weeks later from my flat and I spotted the scumbag up ahead of me on the footpath rolling a cigarette. I had my headphones in and tried to walk looking straight ahead, but he managed to block my path and stood in front of me signalling for me to take out the headphones...
Reluctantly I did, and the following conversation took place;

Fingernail rapist: "Ooohhhh HI! Do you remember me?"
Me: "No."
Fingernail rapist: "Ohhhh but I came into your shop and asked you about a tattoo..."
Me: "Yeh? Well a lot of people come into that shop."
Fingernail rapist: "Oooh well I might come in again to see you..."
Me: *speechless*

I then walked to Coles, did my shopping, walked home and checked over my shoulder every few seconds to make sure my new friend hadn't followed me. He was a truly disgusting dude.


3. SOUTHERN CROSS WITH RAINBOW

Anyone reading this who has a Southern Cross tattoo... Sorry, but it is shit. Other than tribal and lower back tattoos on pub-sluts, Southern Crosses are the pits.

You're from Australia and you're proud? That is awesome! I've got to tell you though, there are better ways to display your nationalism.

You're a young backpacker trekking around Australia? Terrific! Don't get a tattoo of the Southern Cross. Get a tattoo of map of Australia with a little X marked on every spot you got laid. Get a comdey kangaroo stealing a baby. Get a shark eating a dingo. Get someone committing suicide off the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Get anything but a Southern Cross.
The best spin on this shitty tattoo that I experienced while working at the shop was from an American girl who phoned up and asked the following; "Can I get a Southerns Cross (yes, she called it a Southerns Cross) on the bottom of my back, but I want each star to be a different colour of the rainbow!"

I laughed and hung up on her. Idiot.


4. MERMAID IN A WHEELCHAIR

Dude walks into the shop and tells me Stevie is tattooing him tomorrow and that he had to drop in the picture. I unfold the piece of paper, and staring sadly back at me is a young mermaid with exposed flacid breasts, sat in a wheelchair with an IV drip stand next to her and a blanket covering the top of her tail/flipper. I lose my shit.

This is one of the best, yet one of the worst tattoos I have ever seen. The dude tells me he drew it and is super pumped to be getting it tattooed on the top of his forearm. I walk out to the baclony where Stevie is having a cigarette and show him the picture. I can't fully describe the number of emotions he exhibited when he saw the picture.
Stevie comes in and asks the guy why he wants such a ridiculous picture tattooed on his forearm. Dude says that he used to think people in wheel chairs were mermaids and that is why they couldn't walk and why they would have blankets over their laps...to hide their flipper/tail. Brilliant.


5. JAH WARRIOR

This is one of my favourites. Simple but hilarious and kind of unbelievable. Regular dude walks in to the shop. Beyond regular, in fact dude has a bit of a geek thing going on. He comes up to the counter really quietly and pulls his mobile out of his pocket... Plays around with it for a second and then looks up at me and says;

"Hi. I'd like someone to tattoo this on my arm please. Just as it is there. Exactly as it is."

He flips his phone around and shows me a picture on the screen. In a font that was somehow more boring than Times New Roman, there are the words; JAH WARRIOR.

The man standing in front of me waiting expectantly for a quote on a tattoo is the furthest removed person from who I would invisage a Jah Warrior to be. I would expect a gruff, heavy-set black man with solid dread locks, wearing some type of typical Rastafarian get up, packing a shiv and a bag of weed.

I generally won't bother showing the guys ridiculous tattoo requests when they are busy, but I can't resist the urge to see Stevie's reaction. Needless to say, he laughed like a drunk cat, and I returned the phone to Jah Warrior.

If only i'd had my camera to take photos of these and the other assholes who kept me entertained for a few months.